The Big JFK Jr and CBK Fight

As they drive to the Kennedy compound, frenetic violin sounds turn the picturesque all-American landscape into a thriller. She looks around at the American flag blowing in the wind, and exhales into a “This is amazing.” John tries to warn her that there’s going to be a lot of people, and that it might be more intense than that time he brought her without warning to Caroline’s birthday dinner at her own home. “I’m excited to meet Ethel,” she says, referring to his aunt, Robert F. Kennedy’s wife (and yes, RFK Jr’s mom). John grimaces, sighs. “Don’t call her Ethel. Say… Mrs. Kennedy.” There’s that disconcerting familiarity with his family members that all Americans feel showing up again. “Ethel’s kind of intense,” he says, in what may be the biggest understatement in the whole series. “Especially now that my mom’s gone, it’s like she’s the undisputed matriarch. She can smell fear.” Well, buckle up because we are about to go on a wild ride.

They arrive at the dinner table and sit down next to each other. “Ethel doesn’t like couples sitting together, she says it prevents the flow of conversation,” says one cousin. John is like, nah she’s staying with me. Then a different family member walks by behind them and with a sing-songy voice lets them know “Couples don’t sit togetherrrrr!” And Carolyn knows better than to listen to John where it concerns family etiquette, says “It’s fine,” and moves to a different seat.

Ethel arrives at the table and everyone stands up. She is wearing a navy double-breasted blazer with contrast whipstitch around the lapel and gold buttons, pearl earrings, and a double strand of pearls with a little crucifix. It is a perfect look. She asks John to say grace, and as he bows his head down in prayer, Carolyn lovingly spies at him but gets caught by Ethel. Diva, you’re in danger.

One of these women will later betray Carolyn.

At the table, she is seated next to Katie and Kara, who seem to be roughly around her age, and the three of them are indulging in some raunchy girl talk. Katie’s like “Wait tell Kara about your dating philosophy,” Carolyn leans in conspiratorially and says “Date ’em, train ’em, dump ’em,” then they all cackle like hyenas. Then from across the table, a cold wind blows as Ethel says, “Excuse me Carolyn, are you cold?” and as Carolyn turns, frozen in fear, Ethel adds “Yes, I’m looking at you.” “No Ethel,” she says, putting her whole foot in her mouth, “I mean, Mrs. Kennedy.” You see my dear readers, Ethel does not care for the white silk shawl (she calls it “that thing”) that Carolyn has wrapped around her neck for dinner to accessorize her minimal black spaghetti strap slip dress. John, in the midst of his second-hand embarrassment but also in recognition of the fact that his beloved has now come face to face with the ultimate Kennedy, motions for her to take it off her neck. He is kind of smiling but it’s the kind of smile that also says I tried to warn you.

Someone on the table has finally had enough of the tension at the table and excuses themselves to go to the bathroom, which prompts a different cousin (listen, everyone at this table is a cousin or the spouse of a cousin, so it’s giving cousin) to (drunkenly?) exclaim “How convenient! Right as Ethel’s about to grill us!” and Ethel’s like, ya sit down, let’s talk current events! Here are her questions which you can take for your next dinner party conversation fodder:

1. “Joe, do you think the US should lift that trade embargo on Cuba?”
2. “Is it worth losing that senate seat in Florida, John?”
3. “On what terms would you lift the embargo, Dave?”
4. “Katie, how do you get [Castro] to the table?”

THEN

5. “Carolyn, what do you think?”

Unfortunately our downtown gal has fully dissociated while staring into a glass of red wine (relatable). She looks up like a literal deer in headlights except the headlights are as heavy as the weight of all of American history and she is still, a literal deer. “About what?” she is forced to ask, and everyone at the table has now chosen their own wine glasses, or plates with corn to dissociate from the proceedings. “Well, Katie was just saying that Clinton is looking into establishing diplomatic relations with Vietnam. Any political risks there?,” Ethel responds.

Carolyn looks back at her gal pals Katie and Kara, but they are unable to help. She looks at John who is smirking all the way across the table like bet you wish you never met Ethel, huh? No one can help her now. “I thought we were talking about Cuba,” she finally responds, and every. single. person. at the table picks up their glass of wine and does their own take on drinking tea memes. Ethel’s like, open a book girlie, it’s all connected! John finally decides to do something, and raises a glass to propose a toast to Carolyn, who seems to have completed night one of the Kennedy compound hazing ritual.

(I LIVED for this scene if that wasn’t obvious.)

Afterwards, the two of them are in bed decompressing from dinner. Carolyn’s like Ethel hates me! And John’s like ok next time don’t sit at the other side of the table because the people seat far away get the hard questions and she’s like I’m going to kill you! (She also reveals her shawl was final sale and cost a week’s pay! But it’s like, it’s fine, that’s something you wear in New York, where your little friends will know what it is, not to dinner with people who are telling you to splurge on a subscription to The Economist.)

When it’s time to go to bed, Carolyn’s stuff is nowhere to be found. She’s been moved to another room. They will not share a bed in sin under Ethel’s watchful eye!



An uncaffeinated Carolyn, suffering.

The next morning Carolyn wakes up and is desperately looking for a cup of coffee. She finds Ethel on the porch nestled between Kara and Katie, and Ethel’s like, “Coffee’s served at breakfast, which you didn’t sign up for!” and then Carolyn turns to see a small blackboard announcing breakfast at 6am and 7:30 am where everyone has signed up their names underneath in white chalk. And judging by Ethel’s icy, “Sleeping Beauty awakens,” when Carolyn walked in, it’s probably at least 9am. She looks aghast at the board to see John signed up for 7:30, but did not sign her up, at which point Kara pulls a real shady move and says “Carolyn, what’s your dating mantra? Date ’em, train ’em, dump ’em?” and laughs a mean girl laugh as Carolyn summons all the forces of the universe into having the earth split open and swallow her whole. Ethel looks at her like she’s the piece of pizza that Pizza Rat dropped because it thought it was too gross to eat.

John comes back from his dangerous boyish ocean activities to find Carolyn doing cartwheels and playing tag with the large contingent of the Kennedy cousins’ children. John’s cousins notice his puppy dog eyes as he surveys the scene and roast him but he doesn’t even care because he’s in L-O-V-E!

As they’re about to leave the compound—and her nightmare weekend—John takes her on a little canoe jaunt. He pulls out a ring from his pocket—and not just any ring, the ring Jackie used to wear when she went swimming so she wouldn’t lose her real wedding ring—and he says he’s been carrying it with him, waiting for the perfect moment… at which point her soul leaves her body.



The calm before the storm.

John gets on one knee, “On this boat, on this day, with these fish… Carolyn Jeanne Bessette, will you marry me?” But on this boat, on this day, and with these fish… poor Carolyn is doing her best to not just barf from anxiety. He is still somehow looking at her with puppy dog eyes thinking the answer is going to be yes, but instead she says “I love you… and I do want to be with you… but there’s a lot of big stuff we have to talk about before we can get married.” He’s like ok but is that a no? She’s like no we just need to have a conversation “so I can really mean it when I say yes,” and he’s like “so if you said yes right now, you wouldn’t mean it?” and she’s like “I don’t know.” And now we see John’s soul leave his body. They both put on their sunglasses and stare away from each other. This whole weekend has been so cursed.

Back in Manhattan, in John’s office, he and his sister are sharing a classic NYC deli lunch from styrofoam containers. Caroline’s like dude, it’s way too soon to propose and John is like, “but mom and dad only dated for a month!” and she’s like, that’s totally different. He’s like “She says she has to think about it. She can’t say yes until we have a talk about how our lives will fit together.” Caroline is so impressed with Carolyn she’s actually speechless. “I think I might be starting to like her,” she says to John, then steals his potato chips. (I love them!)

Carolyn meanwhile calls Michael Bergin for… reasons? It’s unclear why she is trying to be friends with him, but here we are. She tells Michael about John’s proposal, how she didn’t say yes. “Well, that makes me feel better,” he says. “Because if the most eligible bachelor in all of America can’t get you to commit, who can?” She’s like we’re totally fine, I didn’t say no I just said I had to think about it and he’s busy with work, and Michael actually offers some great advice when he says, “From a man’s perspective, if it’s not a yes, then it’s a no. But you tell yourself whatever you need.” And she actually seems flabbergasted at this idea.

In bed with John later that night, she turns off the TV and is like ok let’s talk about this whole proposal thing, and he’s like I’m tired goodnight honk-shoo, honk-shoo. Now Carolyn is trying to make her case. “I do know that I love you. It’s not a question of if I want to spend the rest of my life with you, it’s a question of if I’m cut out to be Mrs. JFK Jr.” And he’s like ok I guess you have a point. He’s like “I promise you our personal lives will be off-limits to the public,” and she’s like ok, but you can’t actually promise that. He says he’ll teach her how to deal with fame, with the press, that she won’t be alone. She tries on the ring. She says she’ll wear it when it’s just the two of them when they’re alone (which is of course giving Carrie wearing the ring Aidan gives her on a chain around her neck because it’s “closer to her heart this way.”) He’s like so you’re still not sure? And turns the TV back on. This bed is COLD!

Back at the George offices, Michael Bergin is throwing another hissyfit because the press is reporting that John proposed to Carolyn and she said no and it’s taking all the attention away from their magazine launch. He tells John he should issue a statement to the press that he didn’t propose, and when John later tells his plan to Carolyn, they are very appropriately listening to Annie Lennox sing “No more I love you’s/Language is leaving me.” Now Carolyn is the one throwing a hissyfit because she can’t believe that John would go to the press to say that he didn’t actually propose. You can’t have it both ways girlie!

The next day, they’re walking the dog, and John is telling her about the success of the launch and she’s giving him one-word answers because she is big mad. She’s upset because he told the press that he didn’t propose to her, after he told her that he would keep their private lives private, and he’s like well if you had just said yes like a normal person this wouldn’t have happened! And then he’s like forget it, I take the proposal back, and walks away, and she runs and is like no come back! And he’s like you’re so lucky that you’re a pain in the ass and I still love you! (Which honestly, I have to agree with.) By the way, this whole meltdown is taking place at the dog park near their house surrounded by people and, more crucially, the paparazzi.. She’s like you’re obsessed with yourself and you couldn’t handle that the world might know there’s a woman out there that might not want to marry you! And starts taunting him with crazy eyes like oh look who’s trying to leave now and he’s like you’re the one that’s scared of commitment!—which I’m sorry girlie but you know it’s true and even Michael Bergin knew it to be true. The fight continues on the way to their house where the debate continues; she doesn’t want to get divorced ever, she saw what it did to her family. He’s sitting on the curb crying like why is everything so difficult? She asks for the ring back, he gives it to her.

On the third part of their fight, when they are not yelling at each other anymore and talking like human beings (we’ve all been there), she’s like are you sure you don’t want to be president? He says no. He tells her he doesn’t want to change her. She says she never saw herself getting married, and isn’t sure it’s entirely necessary. “But I’m down to do it with you.” Then she ugly cries because she can’t believe she’s actually so in love with this man and is going to marry him.

Best ’90s Moment of the Episode:

Michael Bergin: “I got an agent. MTV thinks I’m too famous for Road Rules.”

Most Important Line in the Episode:

Narciso: “They never got Diana’s name right when she was first dating Charles. You’re going to be the American people’s princess!”

Cigarette Count:

Carolyn: 3 (One after being completely betrayed by Kara in front of Ethel, though I’d be surprised if she didn’t just straight up smoke a whole pack right then and there; another while watching the George launch press conference on TV; and then another during phase 3 of their big fight in the streets of Tribeca.)