New Mario ‘Game’ From Nintendo Lets Kids Torture The Plumber

Mamma mia, there’s a new Mario game available to play today. But before you get too excited, you should know that the just-released Hello, Mario isn’t a 3D or 2D platformer, sports game, or other zany spin-off. Instead, it’s a small app that lets kids play around with Mario’s face until he gets tired and goes to sleep, forcing your child to do something else, like load up TikTok.

On February 19, Nintendo released Hello, Mario on Android, iOS, Switch, and Switch 2. It’s less of a game and more of an interactive digital kids’ toy starring everyone’s favorite hopping plumber, Mario. Or at least his face. Players can yank on different parts of Mario’s head and face to get different reactions while also stretching the famed platformer in odd-looking ways. You can also tap on different parts of his head to give him sunglasses, play peek-a-boo, or even run a comb through his moustache. It’s similar to how you could mess with Mario’s head in Super Mario 64, if a bit less charming.

At one point, I yanked on Mario’s nose and right ear, pulling them violently in different directions, and he shouted, “Oh, yeah, Mario Time!” I didn’t realize Mario was into this kind of stuff. We learn something new about him in each game, y’know? Anyway, after about 12 minutes, Mario stopped letting me squeeze and pinch his face and went to sleep. This is a feature Nintendo says will help limit screentime for your kids. But you can just do something else on the phone or even restart the app, and he’ll be up and ready to go again.

Hello, Mario is part of a new brand line from Nintendo called “My Mario.” Here’s how Nintendo describes this line:

The My Mario collection is thoughtfully designed to bring smiles to the faces of young children, their parents, and caregivers while inspiring imaginative play. Select items have been developed in collaboration with a range of licensed partners, including Fisher-Price and TOMY.

That’s nice, but this really just feels like Nintendo trying to turn babies into good, loyal fans of Mario as soon as possible. It reminds me of the stuff Disney and other big media companies have been doing for years now by slapping their characters on baby food, diapers, tiny toys, etc. Get them hooked on some IP before they can even say their first word. Smart business. But also kinda gross.